Friday, September 4, 2009



Well, I've been pondering things again....sitting on the porch...swinging...and thinking. I've been thinking about reaching deep within and pulling out parts of me that not longer serve me well. Actually, I've been going through a process of this for several years now. One by one different little things uncover themselves and it becomes necessary to ask myself if I'm fulfilled in that behavior or attitude. I shouldn't make it sound like these things uncover themselves because they more or less are brought to light, let me say. And usually through circumstances or others or both. And then even mean, always through repetition. I mean, really, sometimes I ask myself why I keep doing the things I do not want to do.

I have spent many years now in a process of looking within to determine the motive behind certain actions. And yet, once again, I am faced with asking myself "Why do I do the things I do?" I've come to believe there are two huge factors that lie beneath.....fear and love. Fear that if I accept the here and now.....I will miss something more. And if I allow myself to completely embrace people and situations in my life..I will not be good at loving, so to escape that I never completely allow the thin glass between us to fall away. It's a vicious cycle and one that keeps me asking myself "Why".

Experience has taught me that it is spiritually healthy to ask ourselves "Why do we do the things we do?" It's a way of holding ourselves accountable for our own actions. There is great power in being aware of yourself...nothing changes magically because I am but once aware I can look beyond the surface action to see what motivates me. and I don't mean just looking at negative behaviors but also asking the "Why " question when I'm having success in my actions also.

I have had such a restless heart for some time and found it hard to identify its cause. I want to find contentment right where I am those around my my my family....I don't want anything more anymore. I want to live in the moment and dance where I am at! I'm going to be asking myself more frequently "Why do I do the things I do?"