Thursday, December 31, 2009

BYE2 2009...HI!2010

Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


You helped me laugh

you dried my tears
because of you I have no fears
Together we live
together we grow teaching each other what we must know
You came in my life and I was blessed

I love you friend
you are the best
Release my hand and say good-bye
please my friend don't you cry
I promise you this it's not the end 'cause like I said you're my friend

Monday, December 28, 2009


Can you hear me??
Say something...

Listen to me..
I'm begging you...
Please listen to me!

You're my bestie!you're my top friends!
That's why I want you to listen to me...

  • Stop pretending that you're in <3>
  • Stop pretending that you're ok and I know that you're not...
  • Stop Loving her!
  • I know its hurt..She hurt you!!
  • That's why I hate her!She hurt you!she hurt you!
  • And I hate her!!
  • Can you hear me?
  • Please...=(
  • I know you hurt..
  • Please be yourself...
  • Please be a guy that I've known before..
  • You're not him..
  • totally different
  • where are you?
  • where are my old bestie??
  • =(
  • I want him!!Please God!I'm beggin you..give me back my old bestie..I want him..
  • I'm beggin you....
  • =(
  • Can you hear me?
  • I love you..
  • I really cares bout you...
  • and please
  • listen to me..
  • please...
  • can you hear me?=(

Monday, December 14, 2009


He said to me that it isn't that I love him, but it's that I want him.

Can wanting someone make you feel this crappy? I may sound dramatic, but does wanting someone make you want to rip out your own heart and never want to feel again. Does wanting someone make you cry so hard, and your heart hurt so much that you cannot breathe?

When do you know when it's love? Or when it's just desire?

I want to know the difference, before I keep chasing after someone who I think I love, but in the end it's just someone that I want more than I love.

I don't look at love that easy, so what is love and how is it distinguished from the other feelings that I feel? Is love never concrete? And if it's not then how do people say I love you?


Every now and then I come across a story about how a couple started out as being best friends, each having its own unique tale. Guys and girls tell me how difficult it is to keep quiet about admiring someone so close to them. How they spend so much time talking, hanging out and joking around with each other. It’s always really satisfying to hear that everything worked out after the guy or girl confesses getting the same feelings in return. But sometimes things don’t turn out so well. It’s hard being rejected by someone you tell all your secrets to and you might think things will never be the same again.

My best friend is...`U'... U and I have been friends since I'm not sure when.. He helped me through a lot of family issues, boy troubles, and school drama. And I helped him as well. Even the times when we had a significant other to occupy our time, I was the first he would find to talk and he was the first I would go to as well. We weren’t like most people. We would always make fun of and tease one another. We both knew it wasn’t flirting and we didn’t’ care about what other people thought about how we treated each other. Although we had an odd relationship, we still loved and appreciated each other as friends.

After a while, I noticed something different with U. He started being… really nice to me. It was pleasant to be respected and treated well, but I got suspicious because this wasn’t my best friend U. It was… this different nicer U. Call me crazy for wanting the rude U back. I confronted him about it and he confessed that he was starting to see me more than just a friend.

I loved U more than ever as a friend, but I just couldn’t see myself with him. I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him and it was hard to hear him say he had those feelings for me… And that’s what I told him.

We stopped talking to each other for a few weeks because he told me he needed his space. It was horrible. I missed the name calling and the advice he gave me. He was the only person I wanted to talk to but I couldn’t. It was as if I was dumped by my best friend.

Even though I thought that this was the way it was going to be from now on, I just didn’t bring myself to accept it.

Eventually I confronted him and told him that I still needed him as a friend because I knew he still needed me as a friend. At that time, his feelings for me didn’t exist since he isn’t the type of guy who will have false hope. We slowly started talking again and soon, I had my best friend back. We don’t make fun of each other so much anymore but it’s nice to know we worked things through and remain best friends until this day.

So even though things may be rough with any situation, try and be the bigger person to work it out.


Dear Boy who acts like a Jerk,

What happened to you? Why can’t you speak to me? Are the memories that I trigger into that shallow head of yours too painful to bear? To be completely honest with you I think it is incredibly immature that you cannot speak to me, and I am not exactly sure why you cannot. Is it because I rejected you? Did I finally downsize that obnoxiously large ego of yours? Or is it the fact that when you look at me you cannot keep to the boundary of friendship? Perhaps this is selfish of me, but I miss our friendship. As wrong as it is to say this, I don’t care about how you can’t be near me without wanting something, I just want to know you’re alive. That you’re happy. That underneath that callousness, there is still a heart that beats. I just want you to talk to me, even if I can’t see you in person, which is probably the best thing to do—avoid real contact, but would emailing or messaging each other be such a bother? I want to share so much with you, about my life, some discoveries I have made, experiences I have had at college and realizations about myself that I have come to. Can you let go of your grudge and let me in, let me into your life again?

Sometimes I really doubt what happened between us. Were you just trying to chase after me for a physical desire and because I turned away from you, you no longer bothered in attempting to sustain a friendship? Or is the real reason, the one I hope it is, that you cannot fathom speaking to me because it will only remind you of what you cannot have? I’m not even sure why I wish that we could be friends again; you never were in it for friendship, and I never considered you just a friend, you were always more. And even though I am fearful that in speaking to you, buried and forgotten emotions may soon again rise to surface, I still would like to hear your voice. I think what has me dying to speak to you again is your eyes. Although you were never generous in displaying how you cared for me, I always saw it in your eye.

I don’t need you to be my best friend, my boyfriend, my admirer. I don't want that. I just need to know that you still care. That what happened between us wasn’t a lie…please dear God don’t tell me it was a lie. Although some may only speak negatively of you, I still cling to the hope that you saw more than me than just a physical attraction. But by you cutting me from your life, I feel abandoned in this darkness. It makes me feel like you really didn’t care about me because if you did, you wouldn’t shut me out the way you are. Don’t you see that even through the damage you have inflicted, I still care about you enough that I wish to hear from you occasionally? After all the lies, the cutting words you spat threw through the phone to me and the incessant flirting with other women, I still care. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

I sincerely hope you’re dating someone, and I hope that she proves me wrong when I said that no other girl would ever care about you the way I did. But then again, she might prove that I was right all along. Maybe no other girl will care for you as much as I have and still do. Although you have hurt me in countless ways, to the point that I fear giving any other male that I meet an inch of trust, I am still here, keeping you in my prayers and caring about you. Because unlike almost every other person in your life, I see beneath the shallow, coldhearted, cruel mask you use to shield your hurt, rejection, abandonment and insecurity. I see you for the person that I’ve grown so deeply to care about, for the real man you are that you never allow anyone else to see.

I don’t care if you’re angry with me or if you hate me with a flaming intensity, because I have learned that it is impossible for me to despise you the way you think I might. I know you better than you think--you want me to hate you, you want me to loathe your existence because then it will justify why we no longer speak. But the truth is this; I will always care about you. No matter how many lies you told me, no matter what words you used to tell me I was self-righteous, no matter how many other girls there may have been---I still care and hope that you’re happy. Truly happy.

So hate me, baby. Hate me and list to yourself all the ridiculous reasons you probably conceived as to why I said “no” to you. Because deep down in that heart of yours that once had feelings for me, there is a man I know well, and although you won’t ever share it or show it, I know that you cannot wrap your head around why a girl like me still cares about you, even after all we’ve been through.

Yours Truly,

who used to be your girl..

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Just a quick question: Since when did "Cute" = "Dumb"?

My friend "A" has been dating this girl whom he describes as cute in a nutshell.
She's so cute,...she laughs at my stupid jokes.
She's so cute,...she trips over herself.
She's so cute,...she eats with a spoon.

You get my drift. Apparently, she got upset and offended because she seems to think whenever he calls her cute (which is a lot) he's really calling her dumb. Now, I don't know if she is because I don't know her well enough on a personal level. But just hearing from my friend, she sounds more like a klutz (like Jessica Alba in "Good Luck Chuck"). He can't understand why she would be this upset. Obviously he's totally sappy right now because she can burp and fart, and he would still think it's cute.

So how do you explain to someone that you find them cute as in endearing and not cute as in dumb? My friend is a bumbling idiot right now and thinks he's just putting the foot further in his mouth if he tries to explain himself. Is being called cute no longer a compliment?


I once dated a much older guy. We had lots of fun together and we clicked on many levels. He had an established career, had traveled the world, and knew what he wanted out of life. He was extremely romantic and charismatic. He would send me flowers when I was stressed out, would listen to what I had to say and loved to snuggle. Needless to say, I was completely smitten. And he was too. We began to date and made it "official" a month later.

I didn't realize it at the time, but age was one of the biggest problems in our relationship.He was approaching 30 and I was barely 18. During the course of the year we dated, he would say things like "Don't waste my time", "If you don't see this long term, just end it now", "I'm in it for the long haul and I hope you are too". At first, I thought it was sweet. I was so happy that he saw us being in a long- term relationship. But then, I began to feel the pressure. I was definitely not ready to get married and even if I was, I knew he wasn't the one. He made me feel guilty for simply enjoying our relationship and accepting it in the present moment. I enjoyed being around him and he helped me grow as a person tremendously. Was that such a terrible thing for me to do?

Unfortunately, his comments grew worse and I felt like I was stuck. I broke it off eventually. He declared that the year had been a "waste", that I had led him on for nothing. He claimed that I was selfish and too "young" to understand what an adult relationship was like. I was extremely hurt by this. Later on, I realized that he was on the marriage track. Even though we never formally spoke about marriage, his actions, comments and certainly his age showed it.

Is it wrong to date someone and simply enjoy their company for a while? Does age matter? Do you have to see yourself marrying the person you're currently in relationship with for it to be successful?


or these guys....

I've been seeing this trend lately in movies, the male figure is, let's say, not-so-good-looking. Guys like Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, Jason Segal. These men do not have washboard abs. They aren't 10's - per se. And you definitely wouldn't think to see them with girls like Kristen Bell, Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Mila Kunis, Jaime Pressly. (They also all seem to have really curly hair?) So why are they so likeable? Why do they always seem to get the pretty girl? It's because, (and I'm starting to see this in my own life) they are hilarious, genuine, non-bullshitters, that seem to have a heart of gold.

You see the guys like Zac Efron, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, (and who is this Taylor Lautner kid?) the pretty boys, the ones with the extremely hot bodies and good looks; they aren't doing it for me anymore. OK, they're attractive. But what the hell... They have no personality, they seem to have this "I'm better than you" attitude, and they have an ego the size of Texas. (I'm strictly talking about on-screen performances and overall perception, I really don't know how these guys are in real life)

So I have this friend. And maybe I just never noticed him much before. But I hung out with him a couple times recently, and although he is no Ashton Kutcher, I find myself extremely attracted to him. Not because of how he looks; but because of who he is. We totally have the same sense of humor (I was literally laughing at everything he said) and he is generally a very sweet guy. Now I had to keep the flirting to a minimum because I was already with someone there, but he texted me after we had left and said it was good to see me again and we should definitely hang out more. So I knew he felt some sort of attraction there too.

Now my dating record is all over the board. I've dated some crazy characters. It's because I have never thought about what other people think, and just gone with how the guy makes me feel. (My friends are always telling me I can get someone better, i.e. someone hotter) That kind of has changed, I'm now dating this guy who is very physically attractive. And I really did like him at first. (I think I was blinded by his attractiveness) Now all of a sudden I'm not feeling the same way about him anymore. And I really can't stop thinking about that friend...

So do looks matter at all? Would you rather have the hot guy, or the not-so-hot guy that you get along with better? And do you think you find someone more attractive after you get to know them and like their personality? I'm really beginning to think so... :)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Happy Holidays to Me?

So I realized recently that the older we get the more the Holidays become about everyone around us and the less they become about us. I'm fairly young, in my early 20's and am already realizing that I will from now on be in such a situation as to give up what I want for the Holidays in order to make sure that everyone around me is happy on theirs. I wish I could do it and still get things my way at least a little bit but there is never enough resources. Either money is tight, time is short or the universe decides against it.

This seems to sound whiney so far and honestly it probably is. I am more than happy to sacrifice most things so that all the other people in mine and my boyfriends lives get a special Holiday Season. However, I do wish that I could feel at least a little bit special. Like someone would go out of their way to try and make mine special. It doesn't normally happen though. Hard as some people might want to it just never seems to happen.

A few days ago I was talking to several older women, all mothers and wives. They were talking about the "family gift". That one thing the whole family agrees they can share and how that was usually a gift fo the husbands and kids, how they never really got much out of it. On top of that it also seemed like they were the ones to run around most to put everything together, and then were the most exhausted and the least noticed on the Holiday itself. Maybe I'm just starting to figure out how my mother must have felt all those years, hard as I tried on the Holidays, because to be honest Santa Clause just took a great deal of attention!

I'm not a mother yet. I am not a wife yet. I have not felt the true exhaustion of the preparations. I am simply starting to understand. So to all the mothers that put in all that work THANK YOU! To all those parents and spouses who give up their Holiday cheer to make everyone else happy THANK YOU! To everyone who knows what it's like to feel a little bit left out when everyone else is celebrating on the day you've prepared THANK YOU! You make the Holidays worth having, and you make the smiles possible and you deserve the biggest and best THANKS!

Happy Holidays and may everyone get to feel special!